


I Just Lost Him

by ConnectingSmallDots



Category: Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: Can be platonic if you squint, Cuddles, F/M, I have a lot of Jaime feels over this episode, Mainly Jaime's POV, Season 4 Episode 2, a bit fluffy at the end
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-20
Updated: 2014-04-20
Packaged: 2018-01-20 02:51:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,101
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1493923
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ConnectingSmallDots/pseuds/ConnectingSmallDots
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jaime breaks away from the chaos of the Purple Wedding, mourning the loss of the boy who may have been his son. Brienne comes to find him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Just Lost Him

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first GoT work so I apologise for poor characterisation and stuff. This was written as a procrastination for a) homework and b) my other fanfiction so I hope you like it and it was worth my time.
> 
> I just have a lot of Jaime Lannister feels.

He pulls himself away from the crowds. They don't even notice he's gone; he's not important, why should Jamie 'the cripple' Lannister even be important? God forbid someone care for him now. God forbid he care. He shouldn't care. Shouldn't he? Joffrey was never his. Not his to love, not his to dote on, not his son, but a king. 

No.

He knows with every part of him that is still whole that he has just lost his son. He knows with every part that isn't he let his sister push him away and, with that, distance him further than he thought he could ever be from Joffrey and put him in a place he should be happy. He wasn't happy. He isn't happy. Joffrey is dead and it was his job to save him. His job… no. Not his job: his life. 

_My son is dead,_ the words in his head buzz like the flies he'd waved away only minutes before, _I have just lost my first son._

He wants to scream, hunt down whoever dare harm a single golden hair on that young monster's head; that young- oh so young- ruthless, heartless monster of a boy. Only a boy. He was only a boy.

_No,_ Jamie's thoughts come to a halt suddenly, _not 'only' a boy but **your** boy._ He was never Robert's boy, not really. He was always Cersei's and his.

"I just lost him." The words are out his mouth, tumbling over his lips like the waves he can see from the window. "I just lost him." Words aren't the only things escaping as his cheeks feel warm and it's raining on the marble between his hands. "I lost him."  
His knees buckle from under him and he drops like a stone, brick dust hanging in the air as he rests his head against the wall, shoulders shaking and sobs silent. 

Not a soul cares for him now. Tyrion isn't here this time to mess up so he doesn't feel as bad by knocking over glasses or dropping plates. Nobody cares for the Kingslayer when he can't save the only king that will ever matter to him anymore. His son. 

"Ser Jamie?" That voice isn't his but he knows that. He doesn't feel he has to answer to anyone right now and had it been anyone else he would have run but… "Jamie?" Brienne moves to beside him, kneeling too. "Jamie." 

It occurs to him then, as she lays a hand on his shoulder, that Brienne is the first person to see him cry like this and he doesn't care. In fact, it's almost right that she should be the only one. 

When it's clear he isn't going to say a word, Brienne turns round and sits down, back against the wall. She pulls him down too with so little force that her worry only increases. Her arm goes round his waist as he turns and buries his face in her shoulder, armour clinking and digging into her skin but she doesn't move him. 

"Talk to me, Jamie." She says once he stops sobbing but he's still shaking. Her voice is soft, soft like the first snows he ever experienced, blankets of white, lighter than clouds. It's not 'stop crying' or 'you let him die', it's so un-Brienne but yet just so Brienne. "Anything. I don't care what. Just talk to me. Please." He can place the note there; worry. But she can't possibly be worried about him. No one else is. But he trusts her.

"He's dead. Someone poisoned my son." Jamie gulps, eyes tightly closed and his face holds guilt because this is his fault; his fault he couldn't save Joffrey. 

"There was nothing you could do, Jamie. This isn't your fault." It's almost like Brienne has read his mind, her grip tightening protectively. "There was nothing-"

"It's my duty!" Jamie cuts her off, voice so loud he's almost yelling. "My duty to protect him and I've failed. I should have been paying more attention to him and not everyone else _and you_." He goes to move away but Brienne pulls him back.

"What do you mean 'and me'?" She questions and he shakes his head. He's said too much. "Jamie." Her voice his firmer now and he finds himself suddenly holding onto it like a life line. 

"I was watching you more than him. I let go of my role as his protector and let my heart rule my head like a stupid fool." Jamie's voice breaks with a squeak and he wriggles out Brienne's hold, getting to his feet.

He knows he must look horrible- smelling a little of wine, covered in dust, his own tears and his Joffrey's vomit and blood. His son's blood. He doesn't make it three paces away from Brienne before he falls but she's there to catch him.

"Hey, Jamie. Jamie. Shhh." She soothes, holding him close as his emotions cascade down through him and out. Suddenly, she feels more feminine like, somehow, this makes her more of a girl. "Jamie." She repeats and he pulls back to look at her, biting his top lip. "Listen to me, it is not your fault. No one saw it coming and no one wanted it, whether he deserved it-" Jamie whimpers, "-or not. I swear on my honour that this is not your fault. If anyone blames you for anything to do with this, I will take your place."

"Don't say that." Jamie shakes his head and Brienne frowns.

"Why not? I would be glad to help you. You saved me more times that I saved you: I owe you." She means it. He knows she means it; Brienne always means everything she says. 

"They will need me. Cersei. Margaery. Tyrion." Jamie tries to step away but Brienne is stronger than him now. 

"Stop worrying about the others and spare a thought for yourself, just once." She holds his shoulders and he wants to say something back like ' _I did and then I wasn't there for Joffrey because I was watching you_ ', but decides against it.

"Someone will see I'm gone. I'll look suspicious. You could get into trouble. Everyone thinks you killed Renly so why not-" he stops at the expression on her face and knows he's crossed the line. "Oh come on, wench. I didn't mean it." But that just makes her shove him back.

"I watched you leave and I knew this had it you hard; I came to help you, be there for you and all you do is shout at me and insult my honour, myself and you. Maybe next time, I'll just let you wallow in your sorrow, Kingslayer." Brienne spits the name like it's poison and just like Joffrey, it stick in Jamie's throat. She spins on her heel and stalks away and he watches her go. 

_Nice one, Jamie,_ he thinks once she's out of sight, _kill your son and wound the only woman who cares enough to help you._

As it turns out, no one notices he's been gone when he returns to the chaos. Cersei is standing still, watching the world dissolve around her and glaring down anyone and everyone. Jamie catches Brienne's eye across the tables but she turns away from him. He is alone as he feels and knows he probably should be.

'I'll just let you wallow in your sorrow,' Brienne had said so Jamie makes a conscious decision to stop _this_ and help.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Jamie. Jamie. For gods sake. Jamie Lannister!" Jamie jerks awake, sitting up so fast he butts heads with the one trying to wake him. "Ow." Brienne rubs her forehead as he drops back down against the pillows but her head is soon forgotten. "Are you alright?"

"Do I look alright?" Jamie asks, staring up at her temporarily. She's straddling his lap, hands either side of his shoulders from where she moved them off and she's only in an undershirt and trousers. 

"No." Brienne admits, laying a cool hand across his forehead. He's pale, eyes red rimmed and sweating like mad. "You don't." She moves off him and sits beside his hip on the bed. "But you've looked worse."

"Why did you come?" He asks, unable to meet her eyes now. After all he said to her and she still finds the ability to help him.

"You were screaming." Brienne bites her bottom lip a little. "Look I," she sighs, "I feel I should apologise for earlier. You weren't yourself, I had no right to be angry with you." 

"You had every right. No matter what state I'm in, I should be respectful to fellow knights." Jamie is sort of apologising and the corners of Brienne's mouth twitch into a smile. 

"Do you want me to stay?" She asks after she's got up and he's reached out for her. Jamie shifts in his bed, pushing himself up with his good hand, his stump hanging by his side. 

"I don't want to watch him die again." He shakes his head and Brienne sits back down but this time she's right beside him, letting him lean against her. 

"Tell me about him. Not-" she adds when he opens his mouth to say something clever, "- recently. When he was little. Something I won't know."

Jamie shuts his mouth, thinking, before he finally answers. "When I first saw him in Cersei's arms, I don't know, I just felt like this was the biggest moment of my life. It never occurred to me then that the little boy who always cried when Cersei put him down was my little boy. It should have really. Baratheons have been dark haired for generations; Robert, Stannis, Renly? Not a gold hair among them." He doesn't make a comment about Renly and Loras because he doesn't wish to be punched in his own bed.  
"He was beautiful as a baby; Cersei is fond of saying he'd only smile with her but I saw him once and he smiled at me like he knew. I'm sure my heart almost burst with affection for this baby that I never realised was my own until Ned Stark lost his head. He was the most insulting, cruel man in all of Westeros and, yet, I still find myself missing him now he's gone." Jamie finishes and Brienne's hand slides down to hold Jamie's own good one. She doesn't say anything because she unsure on what to say. "I wonder if I could have saved him."

"Jamie." Brienne uses his name as a warning and he merely shrugs.

"Do you think it was Tyrion?" He asks, turning his head so he can see her properly. The moonlight streams through the drapes and, although he may be wrong, Jamie doesn't feel her eyes have ever looked bluer. "Honestly." He adds when he fears she may lie for his comfort. 

"Honestly, no. No, I don't think your brother was responsible." Brienne shakes her head. "I may not know him but I've heard enough about him to feel it wasn't. No matter how badly Joffrey treated him." 

"Me neither." Jamie smiles wanly. "I'll have to help him out; he's my brother. Gods, I have so much to do in so little time." He shuts his eyes like he can block out the world but it doesn't work. 

"Go back to sleep, Jamie." Brienne gives his hand a soft squeeze before letting go. 

"Stay with me?" He asks, voice suddenly very frail like the prospect of her leaving weakens him. 

Brienne rolls her eyes but lies down beside him anyway. "As long as you want me to." 

"Forever is a long time." Jamie yawns, his eyes sparkling. 

"You may get fed up with me." She reminds him.

"Where would I be without you, wench?" He jokes and, this time, she doesn't take the name offensively. 

"Drowned in the bath probably, Kingslayer." She retorts, smiling as he shuts his eyes. 

"Not dead on a battlefield but in a bath." Jamie laughs. "How dignified."

"Shut up and go to sleep." Brienne replies, yawning herself now. 

Brienne wakes long before Jamie the next morning and she slips away without a goodbye. For a moment, the Lannister thinks it may have been a dream but the right side of his bed is still warm and smells of her. No one has to know he drifts back to sleep holding her pillow or that she stole one of his shirts to wear while she sleeps. There's more on stake than comforts but if he doesn't get up from bed then no one can hurt him just yet.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! :)   
> Comments and kudos are very appreciated!


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